I have been in a dark mood for the past couple of weeks. Ever since the phone call I received letting me know that there was a snag in our adoption progress I have been fighting depression. I really go back and forth in what I say to myself. (Here is the post where I wrote about our news.)
I want God’s will for our family in this adoption so, of course, if this is not God’s will for Levi to be our son then I don’t want it to happen. However, my heart is already so in love with that little guy and I want to be his mom so bad!
So, let’s talk about something else okay? 🙂
I was laughing to myself yesterday as I did school with the girls. Kira’s reading lesson threw something new in at her. Her stories she has read so far have had one sentence per line. You always know that at the end of that line is the end of the sentence. Well, yesterday her stories had a sentence and then started another sentence on the same line. She read through the whole line as though it all belonged together and so I stopped her and explained that she needed to pay attention to the punctuation. We had a talk about punctuation last week when commas were introduced.
The second time she read through the line she got to the period and said, “Punctuation”, paused, and then went on reading the next sentence. It was so funny! I had explained that a period, exclamation point or question mark would end a sentence and that she just needed to use her voice to show what it was marking. Ha! Every day is something new.
I was talking with a friend last night about depression and the need for medication. I am NOT saying that no one should ever use medication for depression or other mental health issues, however, I wonder if many times our “depression” is spiritual and not physical in nature.
I think that is where I have been and this morning as I woke up I purposefully started to recite a song, “Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul” – it just came into my head. I prayed thanking God for a new day and for His blessings to me and praised Him for His character. I can’t say that it was a magic pill, but I think it is a good start to my making a decision to be thankful and to make my focus God and Who He is instead of focusing on my circumstances.
It is interesting that my anxiety about our adoption of Levi and letting myself get upset about it possibly not working out, led me into thinking about Grant and dredging up intense feelings of grief and pain that crop up now and then. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Grant and miss him, but I am thankful to say I do not have deep grief on a daily basis.
I think this was a really good lesson for me. When I let myself become so focused on earthly things I make myself vulnerable to discouragement, fear, lack of trust, and a lack of faith. I am asking God for His grace and strength to help me keep this up. I also have a responsibility to perform! I need to make sure that I am feeding myself on the word of God. If I am not immersing my mind with the truth of scripture I am leaving myself vulnerable to lies that Satan or my own sinful flesh tell me.
I wrote the above on Feb. 18, 2010. I do not remember what interrupted me that I didn’t finish it. I am not in the same place that I was speaking of above. But, it is a good reminder and warning to me. I think we are always vulnerable to letting life’s temporary circumstances take over our hearts and minds. When we do this, we turn away from the ONLY thing in our lives that can keep us stable and secure.
Psalm 57:1-3, 5, 7 – 11
1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
2I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
3He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!
5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!
7 My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
8 Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
9I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!