When I look back on my life, there is a clear pattern I can see. It has often been my life’s goal to be “neat and tidy”. Not just my house, but my life. I like being in control of my world. When Grant died I made a conscious decision to mess up my life a bit.
You see, I realized that I hadn’t been looking for God’s path for my life so much as I was only willing to do what would, in my view, be what I could “handle” (and keep things neat).
It is kind of funny in that even though I thought I was content in my safe and tidy world, I rebelled inside against other people pointing out to me that everything in my life was “perfect”. When people would make comments about us having the perfect family – one girl, one boy – I was thankful, but oddly annoyed by their observation.
I am sure part of that came from the fact that I had wanted more kids. God had closed my womb and one girl and one boy was all He had given us. I wasn’t too thrilled about that to tell you the truth. But, interestingly enough, it never occurred to me to pursue adoption back when the kids were little. (We had talked about adoption before we conceived the first time – thinking it might not happen.) At the time I was putting too much of my effort into feeling sorry for myself.
Or, maybe I got used to, began to enjoy, feel safe, and in control of my neat and tidy life.
Maybe it wasn’t a conscious avoidance on my part, but the Lord waiting to call us to adopt at a different place in our life. Regardless of the why, I have realized that I have now made a decision to ask God for His perfect plan and purpose in my life – messes and all. It is a daily surrender to God’s will and a forfeiting of my own. (Some days I am better at it than others!)
I am so thankful that God prepares us for whatever He calls us to do. I am sure all those years were just preparation for what He has called us to now. And, my life now is undoubtedly preparation for whatever lies in the future.
This sounds like a dangerous way to live, doesn’t it? It is actually just the opposite. Jesus demanded of those who wanted to follow Him that they deny everything that was important to them and leave it behind to follow Him. Those that were unwilling to do that went away and back to what was so important to them in their life and they gave up Christ. That is a really bad trade!
Is there something in your life that you are unwilling to let go of to serve Jesus? I don’t think this is a one time decision, but a daily dying to ourselves and all we think of as important.
Just a warning to all of you out there who know us – I think things are going to get REALLY messy! In fact, I am hoping it just keeps getting messier and messier and that my entire view of life gets turned completely upside down.
Matthew 16:24-27 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.
Matthew 10:37-39 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Mark 10:21,22 And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” 22 Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. (Jesus speaking to the rich, young man after he had asked what he needed to do to inherit eternal life.)
John 12:24,25 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.