I can see from those two unfortunate posts I wrote about a month ago that pussy footing around and not just telling the whole truth leads to confusion and wrong ideas. I ended up deleting them so that no one else would stumble upon them, read them and miss the point – which I admit I did not explain to you (the point) – so what did I expect?
Here it is in plain English. We are pursuing adopting again. We have been wrestling with this decision for a couple of months. Sound a bit crazy to anyone? Sound like it isn’t very sensible? 🙂 I had a desire to adopt again within months of bringing the girls home. The problem I have had is faith.
We had prayed with the first adoption that God would provide the funds for us. It seems the way that God provided for us on the last adoption is that we were able to pay for it out of some of the equity of our home, which we sold before we had to pay for the adoption. We cannot fund another adoption in that same way.
In considering pursuing adoption again, I have had some major moments of doubt. I have wondered if we should enter another costly endeavor to bring another child or children into our family. I had some really hard weeks struggling with those doubts and asking God why it was so hard to trust Him. My other fears include wondering what another child will do to the chemistry of our family. Will this child have learning problems that will make it even harder for me to teach them all? Will there be other issues that will be hard to deal with? Medical expenses that will be a hardship?
I don’t know. I really don’t. I only know that we feel like God is calling our family to adopt again. Can we pay for it? The funds aren’t there at the moment. We can get started, but that is all. Is it wrong to start something as costly as this without a plan to pay for it? Should we trust God to provide for this endeavor because we feel He is calling us to do it?
Kevin and I are in the process of praying and asking God for guidance. We feel like He wants us to step out in faith. All I know is that I look at the faces of these children who need a family and I say to myself – what on earth matters besides giving an orphan a family? Is anything I own or anything I could do be more important than that? Do we only attempt tasks that we think we know for sure we can accomplish in our own power and in our own imagination? Should our main focus in life be hoarding our resources in order to have a cushy retirement or to be able to enjoy recreational activities, traveling, or a life spent pursuing our own interests? I was like that three years ago. I was enjoying my kids being teens and the extra freedom that brought. I was starting to think of mostly of myself and what I wanted to do. Not what God wanted me to do. Grant’s death has changed me so that I will never think the same way again.
I have done some research and know that families have done fund raising activities to help pay for an adoption. We would have to employ some (many!) of those ideas in order for this to work. We will need the support and encouragement of our friends and family. And, maybe that is part of God’s plan. Not only that we rely on Him completely, but that we allow many people to be involved in the amazing endeavor of adoption with us. We may get started with this and hit a roadblock. If God does not want us to pursue it, I want to accept that as His perfect will. If He keeps us moving ahead even though the way is hard, but progressing, I will accept that as His will and do my best to persevere.
Does that explanation make more sense? Do you see what I was struggling with in those other posts? I want to trust that God will provide – both financially and emotionally – for something He calls us to do, but I am having a hard time letting go of my fears. I am just being honest. I have read many stories about how God provided in miraculous ways to fund adoptions. I understand that God has different ways of doing things for His people. I should not expect that He will do it the same way for us.
I read a story with the girls before bed the other night. It was about Jesus addressing people’s concerns over food and clothing. If I believe that God cares for the sparrows enough to provide them with food they do not have to work for I shouldn’t worry that He will provide for us, His children. Right? Why do we like to worry about such silly stuff? Is it because we think we are in control? I think I need to realize I am not in control AT ALL and I need to let go and ride along with God as the chauffeur and myself as the silent, willing passenger. Well, maybe just willing – I am not sure I could ever manage silent. 🙂
This doubt and fear I have been struggling with isn’t a failure of my faith in God. I know that my eternal soul is permanently saved from the wrath of God because Jesus Christ was my representative in the covenant of grace. Because the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to repent of my sins, believe in Christ, and He changed my heart, I know that God will keep me (preserve me) until the day I die. I have not a single bit of trouble believing that.
But, you see, I have experience with things happening in your life that you would not in a million years wish to have happen. I know what it is like to pray that God would save someone and His answer is no. I did not lose my faith in God through losing Grant, although I admit it was extremely tried. The ONLY reason I did not lose my faith is what I said a minute ago – the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to trust and God held onto my hand and would not let me go. So, in my mind I say, I know God is good, righteous, just, loving, holy, and faithful (and more!). He is all these things no matter what happens in my life. I have to “preach” this to myself ALL the time!
God has promised in His word that all things will work for my good (Romans 8:28,29) – and that good is that I would be conformed to the image of Christ. Not that I would have a trouble free life, not that every thing I ask for in prayer will be granted me. So, I am not sure how to reconcile this. I trust that God wants good for me, but not necessarily what I see as good – from my very limited human viewpoint. How do you forge ahead? How do you know what God is really asking you to do? Just because everything works out hunky dory (is that even a word?) when you do something doesn’t mean that proves it was God’s will and if it turns out badly or has serious hurdles and issues, doesn’t mean it wasn’t God’s will.
I guess I am wondering how to turn off my human brain and only see things through God’s perspective. It isn’t easy.
I can’t do this in my own power. Only the Holy Spirit can do it through me. Oh, that I would give myself over to His power and let go of my fear each and every day. Now you know how you can be praying for us. Thanks for reading!
James 1:2-8 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.