I have known that Kalindi was having trouble trusting. It isn’t too hard to figure out why. She remembers her family before the orphanage. She says that her father died and that is why they were left at the train station and ultimately were in the orphanage. I don’t think that is the whole truth, but no one really knows except her. Maybe she doesn’t even really KNOW the truth herself. She was about seven when it happened. It doesn’t really matter what the truth is. It matters what she feels about it.
When Kalindi was described to us we were told that she was “quiet, sensitive, keeps her feelings to herself, but very sweet.” This is all quite true. Except that Kalindi is learning how to share her feelings and maybe I should take that as a huge leap in trust for her, now that I think about it. Can you imagine having all these doubts and fears and questions and the only way you can communicate with your mom is with a language you have been learning for nine months. You just don’t have the vocabulary to be able to explain.
She asked me last night how I felt when I thought about Grant. Then she said, “Sad and angry?” I told her that yes, I felt both of those things sometimes. I then told her that I knew that not being with her Indian family and then leaving India and all she knew there was hard and that I understand that makes her sad and angry and that she can talk to me about it if she wants. She didn’t have much to say, she just started to cry.
The other thing we observed about Kalindi before we met her was that in every photo she was in that was a candid group picture of the kids at the orphanage Kalindi was on the outside standing back watching. She was an observer, where almost every other kid in the place was clamoring for attention she was making herself invisible.
I mentioned that we had gone to an adoption seminar a few weeks ago. The speaker was a lady (Stephanie Fast) who was an abandoned child in Korea. She lived on her own for three and a half years. When she was finally in an orphanage and a couple came in looking for a child to adopt she was about nine years old. The man, who became her father, saw her and knew that was who God wanted them to adopt. He went over to her and held her face in his hands. She said that inside she wanted him to never stop, but that she spit on him. She wanted to trust, but she had been hurt too many times and was afraid.
I think Kalindi is there. She wants love and affection and affirmation, but she is afraid to receive it – or she doesn’t trust what is being offered. Since hearing Stephanie’s story, I have purposed to go out of my way to give Kalindi affection and attention no matter what her response. It is hard, though. I just wish I knew exactly how I should respond. I need wisdom!! And believe me, I have asked God for it.
I realize that nothing that Kevin or I do can really change what is going on inside her. That is why my most fervent prayer for both the girls is that the Holy Spirit will envelop them and cause them to understand the love that God has for them. Only then will they be able to accept love and to love others.
I share this story for a couple of reasons. One reason is that we need your prayers on our behalf. The other reason is that I want to share some real things that families deal with when they adopt older children. What I always take comfort in is that God called us to adopt these girls. That means that Kevin and I are not doing this in our own power. He has prepared us and will equip us to do this job if we are looking to Him to show us the way.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s own handiwork, recreated in Christ Jesus, born anew that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live.]