Looking to Jesus

I find myself in an interesting state of mind this week.  Every summer since 2006 the month of July has been hard.  The warm weather, the long days, kids going to camp – all these things remind me of July 31, 2006.  That was the day Grant died.

Funny how there are moments when emotions come flooding into my mind and I find myself exactly where I was that week in 2006.  I can be heading to the grocery store and have a flash of the last time I took Grant shopping with me two days before he died.  Taking Kalindi to camp last week made me physically ill as the week before he died Grant and Kelsey were at AWANA Scholarship camp.  Going to the orthodontist is also very hard for me as I had taken Grant that last morning to get something on his braces repaired.

I remember back to those first few weeks and the raw, painful emotions and tears and although the hurt is very real and still present, there is also awe at how the Lord carried us through that time.  I wouldn’t be alive today if I were relying on my own strength to get me through that.  I am incapable of surviving that kind of tragedy without the Holy Spirit living inside me.

And here we are, four years later, waiting for news on our son in India.  We have considered Levi our son ever since we made the decision to pursue adopting him.  That is how it is with a parents’ heart is it not?  As soon as you are aware you are expecting you begin to love and cherish this new little person that God will be entrusting into your care.

And yet, all those plans and expectations don’t always turn out with the “happy ending” that we assume they will.  There are no guarantees in life.  I find that I fight on a daily basis to remember that this life is a vapor and that I am a pilgrim on a journey passing through.  It is hard sometimes to see yourself as a stranger and alien in this world and yet love and engage with people around you in meaningful ways.  We give of ourselves, we love and we lose.  That is life here. 

Wasn’t that Jesus’ life here too?

He came to this earth – giving up all the advantages of heaven, but not His deity – and lived a human life.  Jesus willingly surrendered Himself to live a human life of temptation (and yet without sin!), emotions, loss, disappointment, joy, pain.  He made relationships with people, shared in their joy and sorrow, saw with human eyes the ravages of sin on this earth, watched his friends deny Him and run away, was ridiculed and physically injured, and finally gave His life on the cross to pay for my sins. 

Aren’t I supposed to model my life after Jesus?

That is easier said than done, isn’t it?  After all, do we really want that kind of life?  A life of servanthood and sacrifice.  A life that thinks of everyone else above their own wants.  A life that realizes that this temporary earthly life is not all there is and is only to prepare us for eternity.

Galatians 2:20  I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I Peter 4:12,13  Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Colossians 3:1-4   If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

So, I guess I am just trying to find my way on a path that seems narrow and treacherous.  I am trying to figure out how to live this life for God’s glory, yet with my eye on the finish line, not on the current path.  It is hard.  At least it feels really hard for me right now.  I can honestly say that I didn’t give heaven that much thought before Grant died.  Shame on me!  And, shame on you, if you do not give more thought to what comes after this brief life.  It is easy to get distracted.  Here is some advice from the author of Hebrews:

Hebrews 12:1-2  Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus looked ahead and thought of the prize as He was running the race.  Shouldn’t we do the same?  It takes a daily dying to our selfishness and our desire for temporary pleasure and peace to keep our mind on the goal – the reward.  It is not easy, and in our human flesh it is impossible.  But, as Jesus said in Matthew 19:26:

 But Jesus looked at them and said, ”With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Out of the Darkness

I found this post that I never completed.  It was from February 18, 2010.  Anywhere I have added something in the old post is in parenthesis:

I have been in a dark mood for the past couple of weeks.  Ever since the phone call I received letting me know that there was a snag in our adoption progress I have been fighting depression.  I really go back and forth in what I say to myself. (Here is the post where I wrote about our news.)

I want God’s will for our family in this adoption so, of course, if this is not God’s will for Levi to be our son then I don’t want it to happen.  However, my heart is already so in love with that little guy and I want to be his mom so bad!

Thus, all my musings on God’s sovereignty (I was referring to several posts I wrote during this time of struggle.  You can see them here  and here ) – which I completely cling to with great hope!

So, let’s talk about something else okay? 

I was laughing to myself yesterday as I did school with the girls.  Kira’s reading lesson threw something new in at her.  Her stories she has read so far have had one sentence per line.  You always know that at the end of that line is the end of the sentence.  Well, yesterday her stories had a sentence and then started another sentence on the same line.  She read through the whole line as though it all belonged together and so I stopped her and explained that she needed to pay attention to the punctuation.  We had a talk about punctuation last week when commas were introduced. 

The second time she read through the line she got to the period and said, “Punctuation”,  paused, and then went on reading the next sentence.  It was so funny!  I had explained that a period, exclamation point or question mark would end a sentence and that she just needed to use her voice to show what it was marking.  Ha!  Every day is something new.

I was talking with a friend last night about depression and the need for medication.  I am NOT saying that no one should ever use medication for depression or other mental health issues, however, I wonder if many times our “depression” is spiritual and not physical in nature.

I think that is where I have been and this morning as I woke up I purposefully started to recite a song, “Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul” – it just came into my head.  I prayed thanking God for a new day and for His blessings to me and praised Him for His character.  I can’t say that it was a magic pill, but I think it is a good start to my making a decision to be thankful and to make my focus God and Who He is instead of focusing on my circumstances.

It is interesting that my anxiety about our adoption of Levi and letting myself get upset about it possibly not working out, led me into thinking about Grant and dredging up intense feelings of grief and pain that crop up now and then.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Grant and miss him, but I am thankful to say I do not have deep grief on a daily basis. 

I think this was a really good lesson for me.  When I let myself become so focused on earthly things I make myself vulnerable to discouragement, fear, lack of trust, and a lack of faith.  I am  asking God for His grace and strength to help me keep this up.  I also have a responsibility to perform!  I need to make sure that I am feeding myself on the word of God.  If I am not immersing my mind with the truth of scripture I am leaving myself vulnerable to lies that Satan or my own sinful flesh tell me.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

I wrote the above on Feb. 18, 2010.  I do not remember what interrupted me that I didn’t finish it.  I am not in the same place that I was speaking of above.  But, it is a good reminder and warning to me.  I think we are always vulnerable to letting life’s temporary circumstances take over our hearts and minds.  When we do this, we turn away from the ONLY thing in our lives that can keep us stable and secure. 

Psalm 57:1-3, 5, 7 – 11 
¹ Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
  for in you my soul takes refuge;
  in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
  till the storms of destruction pass by.
²I cry out to God Most High,
   to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
³He will send from heaven and save me;
   he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
                         Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
   Let your glory be over all the earth!

⁷ My heart is steadfast, O God,
   my heart is steadfast!
   I will sing and make melody!
 ⁸ Awake, my glory!
     Awake, O harp and lyre!
   I will awake the dawn!
⁹I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
   I will sing praises to you among the nations.
¹⁰For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the clouds.
¹¹ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
   Let your glory be over all the earth!

Trusting in God’s Sovereignty

I think that learning to trust in God’s sovereign hand in my life and in all of creation is a lesson that I will be learning my entire life.

I have had several hard “valleys” come along in my life in order to learn this lesson.  I have found that God has been merciful in preparing me ahead of these great times of darkness so that I was able to grope my way through them – knowing that the Lord was walking along beside me and with a knowledge of His love for me and his promise to cause all things to work for good in my life.  Just so you understand where I am coming from, God’s “good” he brings into my life is that He is making me into a more perfect reflection of Christ to the world. (Rom. 8:29  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.)

It might be the earthquake in Haiti, the collapse of a bridge in Minneapolis, 9/11, or a personal trial that stops us in our tracks.  These tragedies leave people hurt and questioning God’s involvement.  We have two choices, don’t we?  We can believe that God is in complete control of His creation – which includes people and nature – OR - we can believe that God isn’t able to stop bad things from happening, but is hoping that He can make something good come out of them after the fact.

Matthew 10:29-31  are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

With a belief in the first choice we may not always “like” what has happened, nor do we understand “why” it has happened, but we can safely and securely rest in the knowledge that God was in complete control of the circumstance and has ordained that it come to pass - either by His allowing or causing. 

In the second choice, we are left to wonder what may hit us next and will we have any idea of any purpose in these tragedies when they come.  There is no comfort, no security in this choice is there?

Thank goodness we do not make a choice!  Whether we choose to believe it or not God IS in control of all things.  He is almighty and sovereign over all his creation.

Daniel 4:35  He does as He pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth.  No one can hold back his hand or say to him: ‘What have you done?‘

I was just re-reading an article in Tabletalk magazine by R.C. Sproul, Jr.  He says this about God’s sovereignty:

……….How, though, can we move from simply affirming the sovereignty of God to resting in it?  We will rest in His sovereignty when we remember not just that He is almighty, but that He who is almighty loves us with an everlasting love.  It is because He is with us in the valley of death that we do not fear.  It is because He has prepared a table in the presence of our enemies that we can be assured that goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives……………………Psalm 46:8-11  Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth.  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.  Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I think this is an important step – remembering that we are children of God and that He loves us.  We are not making a choice between believing that God is sovereign OR that He is good and loving.  He is both.

Jerry Bridges says in Trusting God, “The one element that should distinguish the suffering of believers from unbelievers is the confidence that our suffering is under the control of an all-powerful and all-loving God; our suffering has meaning and purpose in God’s eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come into our lives only that which is for His glory and our good.”

Psalm 33:10-11  The LORD fails the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.  But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Romans 11:33-34  Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?”

Isaiah 55:9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Another quote from “Trusting God“,

“As God’s rule is invincible, so it is incomprehensible.  his ways are higher  than our ways.  His judgments are unsearchable and His paths are beyond tracing out.  The sovereignty of God is often questioned because man does not understand what God is doing.  Because He does not act as we think He should, we conclude He cannot act as we think He would.”

This is not an easy doctrine to grasp.  I am, however, so thankful that God taught me this before Grant died because it would have been SO MUCH HARDER to go through that if He had not.  As I said in the beginning, I am still working on this.  Every day.  The Christian walk is a road of faith in a God Who has revealed Himself to us in His word and we seek to learn more about Him every day.  It is a journey.  How thankful I am for the hope and security we have in eternity because of what Christ accomplished on our behalf!

Augustine said, “Nothing, therefore, happens unless the Omnipotent wills it to happen: he either permits it to happen, or he brings it about Himself.”

Making Sense of Suffering

I got this in an email from Ligonier Ministries blog.  It deals with a topic that is never far from my thoughts and I found this to be encouraging and full of truth.  Enjoy.

Dr. Derek Thomas, excerpt from ”The Invisible Hand: 2004 Seattle Conference:”

You find yourself in trouble, and you go to the book of Job to get answers and help, right? And what do you get when you go to the book of Job? This is what you get: “You must learn to submit to Me.” That’s what God says. “I love you. I love you with all my heart. There is no questioning of My love for you in Jesus Christ. My covenant promises are yea and amen in Jesus Christ. Having begun a good work, I will complete it unto the day of Jesus Christ, but I have never promised you that you will have life without pain. I have never promised you that you will never experience trial or suffering. I have never promised to you that terrible things won’t happen to you or to your children. I’ve never done that.” And you see, my friends, we say in the Lord’s Prayer, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” or “Make me a servant, Lord,” or “Sanctify me, Lord.” Do you understand that in order to bring that about this is what it may mean? Be careful what you pray for. Do you want to be holy? Do you want to be one of the holiest people in all the world? Be careful if you pray that prayer, because it may mean that God may send you through the fires of trial to remove the dross so that from out of the crucible may emerge something that’s pure and something that’s lovely, and something that’s attractive.

Some of you are saying as you endeavor to integrate the providence of God into your own lives or tragedies that things will never be the same again, and in a sense they won’t because every moment is unique. There is a sense in which nothing will ever be the same again. We live in a world that changes. But you know, God can do the most astonishing things, things you never dreamt about, things at the moment that you cannot see. At the moment you’re saying, “I don’t understand what God is doing in my life.” And that is true. And if you don’t understand it, I’m not going to understand it either. But you know my friends, it’s not important that you understand it.  What’s important is that He understands it. God’s ways are past finding out. God’s ways are incomprehensible.

There may well be things that God has done in our lives and the intricacies of providence that will take you a million years to try and figure out, and you still won’t understand it. And it’ll be ok because you will say every moment of your existence, it is for the glory of God. It is for the glory of God. And that’s my purpose here; to live for the glory of God no matter what happens. 

God did some wonderful things for Job, and at the end he had ten children. Isn’t that a wonderful thing? They weren’t the same children. He would visit those graves, I’m sure for the rest of his life. You notice some of the names he gives in Job 42:14. They are delightful Hebrew names. They’re full of joy. They’re full of happiness. They’re full of well-being. You know what that’s saying? It’s saying God brought Job through all of this. Yes, God did that. Not by giving to him the knowledge that he was asking for. No, but teaching him how to be a good disciple and teaching him to trust God. That’s the issue, isn’t it, when it comes to the providence of God and our relationship to evil and pain and suffering? Do you trust Him? Do you trust the Lord when he takes away your child? Do you trust the Lord when you discover your spouse has been unfaithful to you? Do you trust the Lord when a dear, dear friend lets you down? Do you trust the Lord when you lose your job? Do you trust the Lord when the word cancer is uttered? That’s the issue. That’s what it means at the end of the day. Will you be My disciple?

Thankfulness

I know I am a bit late in posting about thankfulness.  I truly meant to have something written up before Thanksgiving, but we had a houseful and I was BUSY last week!  It was a wonderful time spent with Kevin’s family (parents and siblings + kids – 21 in all!) and we enjoyed it immensely.

The one thing I always lament when I am the one hosting a big holiday event is that with all that needs to be attended to, I don’t feel like I have as much time as I would like to have to visit and just enjoy the occasion.  I tried to make time and I did have pockets here and there and enjoyed catching up with everyone.  Kevin’s parents stayed the night before and after with us and his mom was a huge help with everything in the kitchen.  Sister-in-laws also brought side dishes to contribute.  It was a wonderful meal and good time spent reconnecting with our family.

There are so many things that I am thankful for.  Number one is that God – in His mercy – through the Holy Spirit caused my heart to desire to listen and respond to God’s loving drawing of me to Himself.  I know that is an awkward sentence, but I am realizing more and more over the years how I did not choose God in all my intelligence and wisdom. (note the sarcasm) God chose me.  I was dead in my sins and I could not make that choice.

I am thankful for Christ’s provision for my sins by His death on the cross.  He not only paid the price for my sins that I owed, but He fulfilled the law by living a completely sinless and righteous life on my behalf.  That is amazing!

We have been learning about the old testament temple and how each element was looking forward to Jesus and how He would fulfill the covenant God made with His people.  The veil into the Holy of Holies was 60 feet high, 30 feet wide, and 4 inches thick.  The priest would go into the Holy of Holies only once a year to atone for his own sins and then the sins of the people.  Can you imagine the awe and reverence that would fill that priest’s heart as he entered that holy place?  What fear must have been in his heart as he considered his own sinfulness and realizing that he had to complete each step perfectly to fulfill God’s commands for this sacrifice.  The priest was entering into God’s presence! 

When Jesus completed His payment for our sins, the earth shook and went dark and the temple veil into the Holy of Holies was ripped from top to bottom.  God tore away the boundary between His people and Himself.  We can approach him for forgiveness and communion without the need of a priest.  Jesus is our High Priest!  But, even though I have this great privilege, I need to remember how special it is to be able to do this.  Do I enter into God’s presence with the same care and reverence that the old testament priests had?  I should.

Sorry for that little sidetrack!  That was just so encouraging to me when I stopped to really think about it that I had to share.

I am so thankful for God’s blessing in my life.  I deserve none.  His provision for our family has been generous and complete.  We may be waiting for some provision for our adoption expenses, but because He has been so faithful to us in the past, we are assured that He will continue to be faithful in the future.

My family.  I am married to a flesh and blood human male and all that comes with that!    Seriously, he is not perfect, but God made a great choice in bringing Kevin into my life.  We are good complements to each other.  I am also very blessed with my three daughters.  They are unique, special creations of God and I love them for who they are.

One thing that comes to mind that Kira does to bless me is that when she refers to the kids in our family she will recite that I have three daughters and two sons. (She will also say that she has two sisters and two brothers)  She counts both Grant and Levi as my sons and that just warms my heart.  Kira never knew Grant.  She only knows him through our stories, photos, and home videos.  Still, she speaks about him as if she did know him and often says that she misses him.  Isn’t that sweet?  If you have lost someone dear, you know that remembrance of that person is very important to you.  Not just that you remember them, but that others do as well.  It lets you know that someone else besides yourself has a special feeling for that person that is no longer a part of your daily life, but is always a part of your thoughts and emotions.  I count this as a very special blessing from the Lord.

As I look out my window at the fall sunshine I am thankful to God for His perfect creation.  Everything we see is the work of His hands – spoken into being by His powerful word!  The earth stays in the place he put it and turns at the exact speed He tells it to.  Year after year, we can count on the seasons and time.  He provides us with water in a cycle that is amazing!  Thank you Lord for the fall sun I see streaming in my window this afternoon!  Thank you for the sound of the wind in the firs behind my house.  I do not deserve such beauty and yet He has lavished it on me.

I guess most of all I am thankful for the eternally existent God of the universe, the I Am – Who was, and is, and is to come.  Praise His Name.

A Different Perspective

Our son died on July 31, 2006.  It seems like yesterday.  It seems like a million years.

I often think about the things I will never see Grant experience.  Especially as I watch his peers hit the milestones of life.  He was fourteen years and eight months old when he died.  He never learned to drive, he never shaved, he never had a girlfriend.  He won’t graduate from high school or get married.

It isn’t Grant that will miss those things.  It is us missing experiencing them with him.  Right now, Grant is celebrating in the presence of the Lord.  He is home.  We are still here, aching for him.  Missing him.  Wishing he were here to make us laugh.  Wondering what he would be up to and knowing that it would be interesting and unique.  Wishing with all our hearts that there would have been some other outcome that day.

I choose – daily – to accept all that God allows or ordains for my life.  The good and the bad, the rain and the sun.  I know that God works all things for His glory and our good.    That doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder a hundred times a week why life has to be so hard and painful.  And, really, that is the point.  That is the “different perspective”. 

I try not to cling to this life and what it has to offer anymore.  I try to compare the things this world has to offer with eternity and it doesn’t compete.  Here is my heart today:

Psalm 84

¹How lovely is your dwelling place,  O LORD of hosts!
²My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God.

 ³Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise!
                         Selah

 ⁵Blessed are those whose strength is in you,  in whose heart are the highways to Zion.

⁶As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.
⁷They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob!
                         Selah

⁹ Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

 ¹⁰For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.  I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
¹¹For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
¹²O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

I Have a Shelter

I Have a Shelter

Words and Music by Steve & Vikki Cook and Bob Kauflin

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One Who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

Sovereign Grace Music

Quote – Charles Spurgeon

Deuteronomy 5:24  And you said, ‘Behold, the LORD our God has shown us his glory and greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire. This day we have seen God speak with man, and man still live.

This is a portion of Charles Spurgeon’s devotion for July 19, from Morning and Evening that a friend sent me:

He whose life is one even and smooth path, will see but little of the glory of the Lord, for he has few occasions of self-emptying, and hence, but little fitness for being filled with the revelation of God. They who navigate little streams and shallow creeks, know but little of the God of tempests; but they who “do business in great waters,” these see his “wonders in the deep.” Among the huge Atlantic-waves of bereavement, poverty, temptation, and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man. Thank God, then, if you have been led by a rough road: it is this which has given you your experience of God’s greatness and lovingkindness. Your troubles have enriched you with a wealth of knowledge to be gained by no other means: your trials have been the cleft of the rock in which Jehovah has set you, as he did his servant Moses, that you might behold his glory as it passed by.

Grief – In Progress

Events like Kira’s accident in April are always eye openers, aren’t they?  Those situations always get you thinking about serious things - or at least they should!

I sat in the ER holding Kira’s hand and talking to her, trying to get her to respond to me and wondering if we might lose her.  It turned out to be just a concussion, but I had no idea at the time.  My mind went back to another day when the life drained away from one of my children and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to stop it.  Nothing that anyone could do to stop it.  I sat there that night wondering if God was going to ask me to trust Him that way again and I doubted I would be able to.  It was a scary moment.

We experienced God’s mercy that night with Kira.  But, I have to say very explicitly that we experienced God’s mercy tremendously on a Monday night in July almost three years ago (and every day since).  God’s mercy doesn’t depend on the outcome of our circumstances on earth.  Sometimes it feels that way because the outcome isn’t what we would have hoped for.  But, that doesn’t change Who God is.

I wonder what God was trying to teach me with Kira’s accident?  I have plenty to learn, unfortunately.  I learned once again that I have no control over this life.  Why do I always think that I do?  “Why do I want to have control?” should be a better question.    I have been struggling with trust.  I feel like God is stretching that part of me more and more.  I assume that He is trying to grow me in that area and, let me tell you, it isn’t comfortable.

Sitting there feeling similar feelings to when Grant died, it just brought back all those thoughts and feelings I have felt since then and that isn’t an easy place to be.

I keep waiting for life to feel like it used to.  I read a blog post today that resonated with me.  I read what she had to say and I could completely relate.  There is this realization that I am not the same person I was before Grant died.  When I look at the ocean, or a mountain, or trees, or a beautiful flower, I don’t just enjoy it for it’s own beauty like I used to.  I am not really sure how to explain this.  I feel jaded.  I feel a bit numb.  I keep wondering when it will wear off.  Will life ever look like it did before?  Will I ever feel like the same person I was before?  Will I ever smile and not feel a sadness underneath it?  Will I ever experience something and not have a painful ache in my heart that Grant isn’t there to share it with us?

I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.  I don’t walk around crying all the time and it isn’t that I see creation now and it is meaningless to me.  Rather, I see creation – this present earth – and I long for the new heaven and new earth.  I have learned that this life is not what I should try to hold onto.  I want to live out the days God has appointed for me and fulfill the purpose that He has for me, but I long for heaven and eternity – an end to tears and pain.

I actually know the answer to those questions I posed before.  No, life will never look like it did before.  I am always thinking in terms of something that happened back when my life was normal as opposed to the “after” when nothing has felt normal.  No, I will never again be the same person I was.  That, quite frankly, isn’t a bad thing.  Growth is good.  But, sometimes I really wish that I could “feel” like I did before.  I was more carefree, naive, innocent.

I am almost finished reading a wonderful book entitled “Trusting God” by Jerry Bridges.  The description I read of the book made me want to buy it – I loved his comment on the back cover:  “Why is it easier to obey God than to trust Him?”  That really took me aback.  Here is a synopsis of the book:  “Do you find it easy to trust God—until adversity strikes? When life clouds over, do you suddenly begin to suspect that you only imagined his care for you? Bridges uncovers three essential truths about God: he is completely sovereign; he is infinite in wisdom; and he is perfect in love. Building on these three rocks, Bridges shows how we can learn to trust God, even when we don’t understand what he is doing.”  This is a great book I recommend for any believer!  Mr. Bridges has a wonderful fatherly/pastorly delivery that is very easy to read and it is very Biblical and very practical.

The year Grant died I had chosen Isaiah 26:3,4 as my verse for the year. 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever,  for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

I chose those verses because my daughter needed to have jaw surgery that year due to the negligence of our dentist/orthodontist and it was a burden I was carrying.  I needed to trust God for her safety, but also for the outcome of the surgery.  Little did I know that I would have an even larger reason to lean on and trust the Lord.

But, one reason I chose that verse out of a million verses on trust in the Bible is that it had something for me to do in it.  Aha!  Back to the statement about it being easier to obey than to trust.  I was still trying to be in control.  I was still thinking that I could do something to make myself trust God.

I am in no way discounting the need for us to obey.  If I am to trust God I had better keep my mind stayed on Him and I had better submit my heart and will to His purposes.  There is an aspect of my will or obedience involved.  But, what I didn’t realize at the time and I have come to know is that I can not even align my will with God’s will unless He gives me the grace or ability to do so.

I love that in “Trusting God” Mr. Bridges spends several chapters talking about what God is sovereign over.  We often quip that God is sovereign and how wonderful that attribute is, but do we really understand what it means?

God is in control of life and death.  He is in control of the weather.  He controls the hearts of kings.  Nothing touches me that is not allowed or ordained by Him.  He made me exactly the way that I am.  He allows and uses people with evil intentions to carry out His divine will and purposes.  (Remember Joseph?)

I find that comforting.  Can you imagine a world where just one single thing could happen that was not controlled by God?  I don’t want to live in that world. 

The Lord is teaching me that the way that I trust Him is to let go.  Not be inactive because that is wrong too.  But that I give – repeatedly – my will and all that I am over to His power and leading.  I shouldn’t expect to figure out what He is doing or why it is happening.  I just trust that it is His purpose and that He is in control.

I wish I could say that I have this trust thing all figured out.  It is a daily struggle.  I have to keep going back to Who God is.  Why should I trust Him?  Because He has proven Himself trustworthy.  Is He worthy of my trust?  YES!  He IS worthy!

Surviving a Trial

Of course, the first and most important way that we survive a trial is by leaning on the Lord – relying on His strength, clutching to His Word and what it teaches us about Him, and learning to have a mindset that sees things from an eternal perspective (God’s perspective!).

I was speaking with a friend on the phone the other night – one of my very good friends who has walked through a very hard trial in her life, stage four breast cancer treatment.  (She is cancer free, by the way!)  She got her diagnosis of breast cancer in October 2006, about three months after Grant died.  Because of the grace and comfort the Lord had lavishly bestowed on me, I was in a perfect position to walk with her (along with a LOT of other people) on her journey. 

I was thinking about how spending time with her, praying with her, going to doctor appointments or chemo with her, thinking about her, and giving her encouragement – it helped me with my grief.  God doesn’t do anything by coincidence and I can look back and see that God let us go through our trials side by side for a very good reason. 

Because of this experience, I learned that one very important way to survive a trial is to get your mind off your own trouble and think of and spend time with someone else in their trial.  If we are in a place in our life where all we can think about and obsess over and moan about are our own issues, we will dig ourselves a pit that may be bottomless. 

There are times when we deserve to have a pity party and spend time grieving and weeping.  I don’t think God would begrudge us those times.  However, we can’t stay there.  It isn’t healthy and it doesn’t help anything or anyone. 

The number one priority in those times is to go to the Word.  A few weeks ago when I was in a pity party mood and I was balling and crying out to the Lord asking Him for help it was like He said to me, “Your help is sitting right there beside you!  Pick it up.  Read it.  Listen to what I have to say to you.”  Of course!  I had the source right there and I wasn’t even picking it up.

The other really important thing I learned while walking through grief was that what I needed to look for in God’s Word was God.  I needed to know more about Him, His character, His deeds, His promises, His demands.  Of course, I found comfort, peace, and strength in the pages, but what I really needed to feel secure was to KNOW God better.  Knowing God is what gives us an anchor.  We can’t set our anchor in feelings or other people. 

If you spend time in the Psalms you learn that although there is plenty of pouring their hearts out to God and grieving or questioning, but there is always remembering and stating.  Remembering what God has done in the past, reminding themselves of Who they know God to be and what He promised for the future.  When we remind ourselves of the faithfulness of God in the past, we can trust that He will be the same God in the future.  That brings us back to center so that we can see things from God’s perspective instead of our own – which is always skewed.

Psalm 34:1-7  I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together!  I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps  around those who fear him, and delivers them.